Feeling small - 2024 06 23

 

It is hard to explain what it is like to be responsible for everything to keep our frail elders as well as can be expected.

There are no hard and fast rules about what is the next right thing to do. There is a constant internal dialogue about what to do next, what is needed next, what is necessary, what is over doing it, what is intrusive, what is respectful, what is dignified, what is an emergency, what is normal, what does it mean to allow 'nature to take its course'. 

The question that surfaces every moment that my attention is not occupied elsewhere is, "Did I do enough? Is there something I need to do now?"

It is the enormity of the responsibility, many, many days, carried out alone or in isolation. 

Other family members are traveling, working, socializing, crafting - occupied with their own pursuits and concerns. They are not thinking about what did Mom eat today? Does she need to toilet? Is she lonely or enjoying her solitude? Is she bored or enjoying the quiet? Should she sit outside for a bit or is it better to stay indoors for now? Where is her cane? Is anyone coming today? Has the caregiver been to provide personal care? What phone calls need to be returned? Will the day program work out? Where do I have to go to pick up the Depends now that the health authority is funding their purchase?

It is managing the feelings of resentment and injustice that are right at the edge of my consciousness, "Why do I feel taken advantage of? Why do I feel taken for granted?" These thoughts must be contained and put away. They are exhausting to engage, they are draining to manage.

I get outside. I notice small things. I wander with the dog on our short walks when Mom is settled. I do what I can to protect my time, my attention, and my energy. I do what I can to make things that show that I was here, my 'evidence of activity' that reminds me that my life is made up of more than tasks that disappear and need to be re-done within minutes of being completed.

If you have taken on this responsibility, I don't need to explain, you understand and we can share the bond of comrades in trenches. If you have not taken on this responsibility, I can't explain, you will not understand, because there is nothing in your life before family caregiving that will equal the work you will undertake to provide for the health and well-being of a family member who cannot fend for themselves.

One thing is clear. It is not the same as caring for a newborn, a toddler, or children. My mother is not in her 'second childhood'. The life trajectories are aiming in opposite directions. Our babies, toddlers and children are growing and changing and becoming themselves. My frail elder is declining, weakening, and preparing for the ending of their life. These are very different experiences of life and death.

I wouldn't do this any other way. Mom's life is worthy of the care, love and security that we are providing, no matter the cost to our family household. I would really like to see us, as a society, as an economic system, and as a community, do a more intentional job of caring for the caregiving families.